So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
