Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
