Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
