carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
