I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
