WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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