Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
