so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
