Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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