I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
