"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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