Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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