I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
