the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
