i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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