i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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