My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She's the barista slut.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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