I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
