Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
