I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
