I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize