it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
