ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
