I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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