she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
