I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
