On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
