You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
