i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
