i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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