You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
