fuck your aforementioned shoe
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
