i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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