Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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