I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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