Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize