Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You took a bar mat shot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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