Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
