I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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