You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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