First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
