I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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