Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
