Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
