my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
