We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
