Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
