I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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