We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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