i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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