I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
