we're chasing vodka with high fives
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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