watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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