wanna go halves on a baby?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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