i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wish my penis had a tongue
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
