i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
