can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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