woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
