Duck Duck Cougar?
People in love make me want to vomit
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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