Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
