theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
