the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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