I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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