I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
