Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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