Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
