I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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