he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
