I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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