The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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